


I Remember You

by impossible123



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-07-27 08:15:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16215077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impossible123/pseuds/impossible123
Summary: A 13clara AU post Twice Upon a Time. Expect a lot of hurt/comfort in this one.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I've had this 13clara AU for so long in my mind. I wanted to post it a bit earlier but I decided I would at least post the first chapter before the first episode from S11 airs. I'm so so exciteddddd!

The Doctor sped towards Earth, watching the inside of the TARDIS burning, a raging fire ripping at the console, becoming a mere orange dot.

_Soon to Earth..._

Well she had just regenerated, yeah? Maybe she could survive just a fall... Or regenerate again.  
 _Noooo! Not when she had just fell in love with such a face!_

Then, only then did she here a whizzing sound behind her, finding herself suddenly in water.  
Plunging deep in the water that enveloped her... Dark, not warm nor too cold.

After a few moments battling to reach the surface from the deep pool, she gasped as the Doctor emerged out of the pool, coughing up water.

"Are you alright down there?" A familiar voice called.

The Doctor's eyes took a while to settle, but she knew that she was in partial darkness as only the swimming pool was lit under the light of many stars. She focused on a silhouette, a short woman holding a few towels, whose voice she'd know  _anywhere_.

" _Clara_..."

The Doctor felt Clara's expression change from a grin to a starstruck one. Clara couldn't even speak as the Doctor, floating on the water, mentioned her name.

Clara took a step back, horrified.  
"You're not suppose to remember who I am."

"I do now." She said in her Yorkshire accent and with her bright smile. "After all this is what  _you_ wanted." Clara swallowed thickly. The Doctor was right.  
"Can I come up?" The time lady continued.

The former companion shook herself from the daydream.  
"Yeah. Sure. Sorry."

Clara helped the Doctor up the metal ladder and wrapped her in large towel.

"Thank you, Clara." She said as the new Doctor huddled in the large towel, shivering. Clara was still kind of gobsmacked. Her mind couldn't process what was happening. "So," said the Doctor, picking Clara out of her thoughts. "Where do we go?" The girl looked at her blankly as she tried to process what the Doctor had just said. "Oh. Yeah. I think it's better if you dry in front of the fire." Clara bit her bottom lip. "I'll take you to the library." And she smiled a sad smile which broke the Doctor's heart. The latter continued thinking about the companion.  _Was she happy to see her? Of course, why shouldn't she? But it all happened so... Fast..._

Clara's head was buzzing with thoughts.  _What do I do? I never expected the Doctor to remember me? How was he-_  Clara mentally shook her head - _no. The Doctor is a she. But how could she?_

And so both, trying to wrap their heads around what happened, headed to the Library.

* * *

"How did it go?" Said Me whilst flipping switches on the console as Clara entered the room, still starstruck.

"Clara?" The immortal emphasised impatiently.

"Oh, sorry. Yeah." The former companion bit her lip. She didn't know how she would break it to Me. The latter had warned her countless times about this and Clara had reassured her the Doctor had no way of remembering who Clara Oswald was. She had assured the neuroblock had done it's job when she met the Doctor for one last time... Saying goodbye to that irresistible and impossible man.

"Do you have any idea of what I was talking about?"

"No, sorry." Clara blushed.

"It's fine..." Reassured her sensibly. "I mean, look how long you've been waiting for this moment."

"This thing is, Me..."  _A nerve raking pause..._ " She remembers me."

Me stopped flipping switches on the console and kept staring unbelievably at Clara.

Just the TARDIS' groans and hums could be heard in that silence.

"Where is she now?" The viking said.

"Left her in front of the fire to dry up."

Me nodded.

"But, I mean... I don't want all that to start all over again!" Clara flailed her hands in panic. "He'll- She'll rip the Universe apart again, and you know I never wanted that. I can't let her get too affectionate on me again."

"Clara, she's already affectionate on you. She remembers you, the Doctor remembers every single thing you ever said to him- I mean  _her_. It's no use not to avoid her now. It would change nothing."

"So what am I going to do now?" Asked Clara feebly, on the verge of tears. "Just talk to her. Don't be scared. I mean... You've been waiting for this for so many years. You're going to give it all up now?"

After some thought.

"You're right." Clara sighed, before she ran and hugged Me, which wasn't very enthusiastic about the abrupt hug. As just like Clara's old man, Me was relatively antisocial, due to her prolonged life, and hated hugs...

"Thank you." She said with a bright wide smile. And ran towards the kitchen to make them a cup of tea.


	2. Can You See Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're all well :D Last Sunday's episode was amazing!!!!! I have already fallen in love with Jodie's Doctor!!!!!! Hope you did too!!!!!

The Doctor huddled on the large sofa in front of the fireplace, wrapped in a bedspread.

"Here you go." Clara said, and handed her a cup of tea. She was worried how to make it. After all the Doctor became a woman now, and wouldn't like the sweet tea her daft old man used to drink. But all the same, she treated her just as she would treat 12.

"Is it good?"  
"Yes, it's brilliant."

Clara sat down on the sofa, just a few centimeters away from the huddled doctor, sipping her own tea.

"I'd like to thank you... for coming to save me." The Doctor knew that Clara probably had been following her, or else she wouldn't have found out she was in danger after regeneration.

"And for grabbing me with pinpoint accuracy." The Doctor grinned.

The companion blushed.  
"That's because I've been taught well." Clara said with her sweet voice the Doctor missed so much.

That room was identical to the one she had on the TARDIS or rather, her past self had. It was a small living room, bookshelves, a 3 seater cloth sofa and a stone fireplace. It was a replica of the room where Clara used to spend most of her time snuggling near the Doctor at the time when she was still his companion, sometimes ending up sleeping.

"Seems like you've missed the TARDIS." Said the Doctor  
Clara sniffed. "Yeah."  
"Even if she used to trouble you sometimes?" The time lady asked. Clara breathed a weak laugh. "Yeah."  
After a while, the Doctor was able to ask; "Missed me?" Asked the time lady. "Loads." Replied Clara, trying to hold back a sob.  
_It wasn't really what she missed... It's not that she didn't miss it.... But what Clara missed most of all, which made her library so identical to the former TARDIS were the memories._  
_How she used to love to cuddle with the Doctor after an adventure. They had so many intimate memories in that library, it would sometimes bring her to tears knowing she was the only person of the two who could remember such beauty._  
_Well... Not any more...._

After a few moments.  
Clara sighed  
"So...." Her short fingernails drummed on the side of the mug. "Looks like you're the 13th."  
"What gave it away?" The Doctor replied. "The clothes." Clara's voice sounded choked.

 _They were the previous Doctor's clothes, her daft old man's..._  
_Who said, that time when she met him last at the diner, that he couldn't remember her._  
__Who said he couldn't remember for whom the sacrifice he had made and was going to make was.... The 4.5 billion years spent tortured and the Hybrid.__  
__Who said that he'd knew Clara anywhere if he had seen her.__  
__Who said he couldn't remember what she had told him in the Cloisters.__

 _ _That she loved him and cared for him.__  
__That he had become her pulse every single day.__  
__He gave her a reason to be... Not just the adventures... She could have tons of adventures in her life... She__ did _have so many adventures since the white-haired scotsman pulled her out of Trap Street..._ _ _But it was never the same without him....__  
__And she told him.... She told him.....__  
__That she continued living for him.__  
__For them....__

"I thought you'd be happy, I mean, to remember you again." Said the Doctor.  
"I am, it's just..." Clara thought for a moment. "I thought I'd never talk to you again." The Doctor noticed that Clara had tears shielding her eyes, hazing the companion's view. It broke the Doctor's hearts seeing her so.  
"Even if I've changed?"

_Is it going to be like last time?_

"You're still the Doctor to me, silly girl." Clara gave half a smile as she nudged the time lady with her elbow.  
The Doctor smiled in relief.

The time lady opened her throw over and invited Clara for a cuddle. The latter left her empty mug on the small coffee table nearby and leaned against the Doctor's body without a second thought, inhaling the scent... How she missed it.

The clothes were still bathed in 12's fragrance...  
All the memories came back to her, and brought tears to her eyes.  
The Doctor, on the other hand, remembered every single time they stayed so.

Clara heard the Doctor's heartbeats... Pumping contently,  
but at the same time, nervously of how Clara would interact with her... After all, she still might not have fully accepted the change... But she knew... Clara had already accepted her.

Clara's heart was still frozen, but if it could, it would have pumped its way out of her chest with the happiness she was feeling... Reunited with the Doctor after 50 years.....

"Umm...Clara?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Would you like that we would start travelling together again, like the good old days?"

Silence...

"Don't you like travelling with me?"

Clara sat up to look the Doctor in the face. Her eyes had grown.... inflated... Just like she remembered them...

"I'd love to, you have no idea how much I'd love to... I've been waiting for this moment for.... For so so long.... It's just that..."  Clara played with her fingernails.  
"I still have to go back to Gallifrey... And you know that. You saw me die... And that means that I have to go back. I don't want the Universe to fall... Not because of my egoism.

"You know I can't.... You remember what you said... 'One of us has to leave'..... I've already spent... years without you... Knowing you never remembered me.... And now you want to put the Universe in danger again?"

The Doctor hugged Clara as the latter sobbed.  
_The Doctor had hugged Clara in such a way so many times.... When she was terrified after an adventure... After nightmares of monsters... After the nightmares from her past echoes; those are what terrified her the most. And the Doctor would sit on her bed and hold Clara so close to his chest...._

_By the new wrinkled face... It was hard for him.... He longed to hug her again.... But he didn't know how.... And besides.... He was scared that Clara would try to hide her face._

_After Danny died, the consoling hugs increased in frequency. He understood the feeling of feeling the other person so so close near you... But was never able to confess his feelings directly to her..._

_And when her time had come... The time to face the Raven... There were only 8 minutes left.... No... Less... Much less.... Clara was always selfless. But at that moment she hugged him, the Doctor knew he was the person that was able to comfort her. He could feel... She was so so scared... And she wanted to tell him so many things but she didn't have enough time... She needed to be comforted in from such a horrible fate.... Nonetheless he wasn't able. Not then. But that hug... Was the last proper hug the Doctor gave to Clara Oswald , his Impossible Girl._

_Until now._

"I'll tell you what we do..." The Doctor said with her Yorkshire accent.

Clara pulled away... And the Doctor dried the tears off the immortal's face. Her cold hands were so soft against the companion's warm skin. But if Clara were to close her eyes, she would imagine rough, calloused fingertips soothing her.

"One last adventure. One last hurrah."

Clara nodded and the newly regenerated Doctor pulled Clara again under the throw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter!!!!! Feedback appreciated and Chapter 3 soon to come!!!!!


	3. Born to save you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How long has it been since she last saw me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh last Sunday's Doctor Who episode was amazing!!!!! I must admit though... I miss 12's TARDIS.... 
> 
> Anyway, here's the the next chapter!!!!

Me opened the library door which was left ajar. She immediately saw the Doctor in front of the fireplace, sitting on one end of the sofa. On moving a little closer, the immortal saw Clara laying on the sofa, resting her head on the Doctor's lap. "It's been long since she slept so fondly." The immortal said. The time lady turned to look at Me, before looking at Clara, cuddled against the Doctor, wearing the most comfortable black jeans and a copy of the Doctor's oversized shirt which she used to wear in the Doctor's TARDIS written; President of the World. He didn't really like it so he gave it to Clara. It was recreated from her memories. As Clara was connected to the TARDIS as she recreated some old TARDIS favourites, it is needless to say that tears began streaming down the girl's closed eyes. How she missed the Doctor... Remembering every adventure, every beautiful kiss, every dance they had in the loneliness of the TARDIS, which in turn was dancing through the Universe.

And now the Doctor was there, 'a bit' changed (a bit is an understatement). But she still sees the Doctor. And that's what matters.

The time lord passed her soft fingers through Clara's silky hair. The girl hummed before returning back to sleep. "She's been thinking a lot about you these past-" Me stopped, gasped and bit her lip. The Doctor's eyebrows arched. "How long has it been since she's last saw me?" Breathed Thirteen. Me laughed. "not much.... To say the truth we've been following you quite a bit." The Doctor chuckled in return. "Wouldn't have doubted Clara would have done that. After... How many years?" She asked. Me's smile faded. And so did the Doctor's as the latter's eyes opened wide in horror before looking at the peaceful form of her former companion, the other half of the once called 'Hybrid'. And she had no doubt they were still so....

"It's been 45 years, Doctor. 45 years of travelling, hoping, following and saving. She was ready to wait more, no matter how much it hurt her." She couldn't take her eyes off Clara. She waited _her_ eternity, just to see what would happen of the man she cares for; now a woman. "But she wanted you to know who she is. Clara knew how painful it must have been for you." The Doctor looked back at the sleeping form of his companion. "I'm sure she was in more pain than me."

Me bit her bottom lip. She remembered all the crying that echoed through the TARDIS' corridors. Ashildr was never the emotional type, but she _had_ to help Clara _ _. After all, she was her friend. Me knew how much it must have hurt her.__

And the immortal remembered a moment in particular.

* * *

_"Clara?" Me said as she leaned against Clara's bedroom door, holding a warm mug of sweet tea. The immortal could hear incessant sobbing, particularly muffled against the pillow. "Clara? Can I come in?"  The girl tried to turn the door knob but the door was shut. The sobbing soon stopped. Me sighed. "I made you a cuppa. Can we talk?"_

_Silence._

_"I'm.... I'm... The room is a mess." The phrase ended with a violent sniff. Me sighed once again. "Clara, I_ know _your room is perfect. Please, can we just_ tal _k?" "Please just leave me alone, Me." The immortal heard her friend's weak voice. Me sighed. "I'm not leaving until you open this door." Silence once more before Me heard feeble footsteps. The girl stepped a few small inches away from the door, before the door was opened ajar, with Clara peeping behind. Her eyes looked bloodshot, tired..... Me, for a brief moment, felt very helpless. But she took a deep breath and entered._

_Clara was already on the bed, back to the headboard, holding on to her pillow when Me closed the door behind her. The room was relatively small (Clara hated having large places). It was much more different than that on the TARDIS (she didn't want to be continuously surrounded by haunting memories). It had stellar wallpaper, in which the stars shined enough light for the whole room, a large double bed in the middle having a red throwover. In the corner, opposite to the bed and door, a vanity._

_Me walked towards the bed, sitting on the free side closest to the door. She handed the warm mug to Clara. The former companion took it whilst still holding the pillow. Her lips curled into a feeble smile; she couldn't get herself to speak and thank her friend. Her short slim fingers wrapped around the warmth. Me's eyes fell on a small locket near Clara's other pillow. The girl took it delicately in her hands. She always had it on her, even that night she was died (or rather... Supposed to....). It was a heart locket. On the outside, a leaf engraving. Inside, on one side, a phrase._  
To my star, who has saved me through my lives.  
_On the other side, two words._  
Remember me.

_The Doctor, her Doctor... The daft old man, had given it to her on their last Christmas together, a year after they had found each other again. They already knew they were bound to be together, but no one ever confessed it by words, only by actions._

_And in that night, the Doctor had given it to her, in front of the fireplace. "I hope you keep it near your heart, Clara Oswald. To remember me, in the rest of our days." Never left the house without it._

_"I can't go on like this, Me." Clara's eyes started refilling with tears. "I can't...." Her voice trailed as the girl was going to switch back into sobbing mode. Me was quick to take the mug from Clara's hand, place it on the bedside table, taking the pillow away and hugging her friend. "I can't. It hurts!" Me could do nothing but rub Clara's back. "I know I know, Clara." And the time looped girl could not deny it. Me was the only person, other than the Doctor, who knew what something like this felt like.... But not quite....._

_"He's forgotten me. He's not dead. It's worse." She howled. Me shushed her gently, feeling her friend's warm tears soak her shoulder. Clara finally pulled away, double breathing. Me took a tissue and gave it to the girl, who began sniffing. "I think it was a bad idea to let you go after him, Cla." The former companion's eyes opened wide. "I wouldn't have survived otherwise." She swallowed hard. "And I think it's time for me to die, Me." The latter gasped. "You're going to give up now?" "I can't do anything else. And besides..." Clara breathed a shaky sigh. "I've lived for long enough and placed the Universe in too much danger."_

_Me thought for a while before having a ligjtbulb idea. "What if we were to go to the point to where the Doctor remembers you?" "No Me, I can't. I won't risk the Doctor wanting to keep me alive again. You know I can't do that. No matter him much...." Clara bit her lip._  
No matter how much I love him.....

_"Just... Think about it, Clara. OK?" Said Me, in a tone Clara had rarely heard. A sweeter tone._

_The former companion nodded, smiled and threw herself on Me before curling into a hug. "I. Hate. Hugs." The immortal said. "What would I do without you Me?"_  
You wouldn't be dead, Clara. None of this would have happened if you hadn't taken that stupid chronolock on you. _Me thought._

_Clara left Me alone, pulling away with a smile. A sad smile. The latter woke up from the bed. "So I'm going.... If you don't need anything."  She turned to the door, before turning back to look at Clara just before she took the door knob. "Would you like me to make you another cup of tea? I think it's cold." "No no no." She immediately responded. "I'll be fine, Me. Go and continue with your work. Don't bother." "Sure?" Me insisted. She knew that when Clara talked like that, she wouldn't feel OK. "Positive." The sad smile again. Me smiled in return and went out, closing the door behind her._

* * *

Me shook herself from her thoughts. The Doctor smiled. "She's a wonder, isn't she? Clara Oswald."  Me nodded. "I guess so." The time lady sighed. "45 years... It's... It's hard." Said the Doctor.

"Because 4.5 billion years aren't?"

Me stared in her eyes. All the time the Doctor, with his grey-hair and wrinkled hands, spent inside that torture dial flashed in front of her eyes. 

 _The pain_  
_The sacrifice...._

"I never wanted her to suffer." She continued passing her fingers through the former companion's hair. "Life's often unfair." She sighed. "I live, I regenerate and I live again. So many different lives under one memory. But Clara," She looked at her, so cold and tender. "She had only one. One life. One  _glorious_ life. And I took it from her. Missy should have never called her. Even though the years with her were the best years of my life." Me took the empty mug from the table. "She loves you, Doctor. But she doesn't want everything that you worked hard to achieve turn to dust. And most of all she wants no one else to suffer." She ended the sentence with a sad smile. "I'll leave you two alone if you don't need anything." The Doctor nodded and smiled back, before turning her attention back on Clara. Just as the immortal was going to open the door, she turned to look back at the time lady, with her hand still on the handle. "Clara missed you, Doctor." Me said. "She really really did." The Gallifreyan nodded, and so Me exited the Library, closing the door behind her, making her to the kitchen. 

* * *

_"The Doctor's going to regenerate soon, Clara. Quick!!!!!" Said Me as she flipped various switches. Clara hurried to the console room, placing the towels on the jump seat. "I'm on it!!!" She said, rushing towards the levers, pressing buttons on her side of the console. "See that the old girl's room shifting setting is locked." A few squeaks and bleeps..._

_"Pool in position." Me said. "Just cooperate for a while, OK old gal?" Clara breathed as she stroked the console metal. "We can do this right, sweetie."_

_After a few hurried bleeps, the voice of the frozen girl echoed across the TARDIS. "Incoming!!!!! 1, 2," The whooshing sound and the levers' sounds echoed through the corridors._

* * *

Me breathed a laugh. That maneuver was Clara's idea. As soon as the immortal had said the Doctor was in danger, and of course, Clara took the opportunity....

 _Born to save the Doctor..._  
_Yet again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter!!!! Hoping to write another!!!!! Feedback always appreciated!!!! And thank you to those who have already loved and commented on this fanfic!!!!!


	4. Clara's Confession Dial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Maybe it's time to start considering going back to Gallifrey for good....
> 
> I guess it would be better for both of us....."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry.... I haven't updated this story in weeks!!!!!!! I've been so so busy.
> 
> Hope this chapter will make it up to you all :D
> 
> (This chapter is heavy on whouffaldi fluff.)

Clara groaned as she shifted. Under her was such a soft surface, and she could feel a fleecy quilt wrapped delicately around her. Her head was resting on soft pillows. Opening her eyes, the former companion gazed into the roaring fire. Wrapped in such a delicate way, it felt like Clara was in heaven, or rather... wrapped in clouds. And she felt such strange warmth surrounding her... A warmth she hadn't felt in ages, a warmth with made her remember nostalgic memories....

_How did she even fall asleep?_

Then she remembered.  
_The Doctor._  
_Her Doctor was there._

But she couldn't feel her.

Clara sat up slowly and looked around her, still drowsy after such peaceful sleep.  
_Nope. She wasn't there._

The girl placed the soft quilt on one side, and made her way out of the room into the corridor.

* * *

  
The TARDIS squealed as Clara entered the console room half asleep. Me was under the console, arranging the mechanisms. "You're awake." Said Me. "So it seems...." Clara murmured. "Where's the Doctor?" "Oh" said Me, as she lowered down a tool and took another. "She told me she has to feed her 27 stomachs. In fact it's been a while since she went to the kitchen." Clara chuckled. "Why does she always exaggerate?" Me stared at the companion quizzically. "Then what did she say?" The Mire- Human hybrid replied. "He... Well... She.... The Doctor had said to me that she has 27 brains." The girl laughed. Me looked at Clara. "And when did she say that? I mean, I guess the exaggeration isn't due the regeneration, isn't it? Until she settles a bit?" The former companion smiled at the thought. "The bowtie Doctor told me the first time we met." Me chuckled from under the console. "A neat way to impress a girl on her first date."  
"Shut up you." Clara giggled.  
"Gotcha." Me smirked.

The frozen girl turned to go into the corridor to find the Doctor, when she turned back to the console just as she took the first step down the stairs. "Need anythin'?" "Nah." Me replied. "But I'm probably going to need the Doctor's help sooner or later. I'm having the impulse to throw this manual out of the TARDIS." The companion giggled once again, before heading to the corridor.

* * *

  
As Clara walked down the corridor to the kitchen, the TARDIS squealed. The girl stopped and placed her hand delicately on the wall. She was almost caressing the wall in a soothing manner. "What's wrong, old gal?"  
_The Doctor's in the Library, Clara._

She felt baffled. _Why would the Doctor go back to the Library? Or maybe she never left...._

Clara trusted her TARDIS. Through these numerous years, a strong bond has grown between the two... More like the Doctor and his TARDIS.

_What did she want from the Library? Doubt that the Doctor would want to read some fiction after having her cells remodelled._

And so Clara changed her route and delved deeper into the time machine to the Library. She stood in front of the huge door, holding in to the door knob.  
_What was she going to say to the Doctor?_  
_But, after all, she must not feel ashamed. It was just the Doctor._  
_Her Doctor._  
_There was nothing to be afraid of._

Clara didn't even bother to knock. She slowly turned the door knob, making virtually no sound. She closed the door behind her, but saw no one on the couch. But she did see the quilt with which she was covered after the Doctor left her to sleep in peace. Then, just then, the girl heard muffled sobbing. She scowered across the endless corridors of the ground floor of the Library.....  
before finding a huddled Doctor, sitting on the floor in the corner, behind the large bookcases, her knees close to her chest holding a large book on her knees. Clara was still hidden in the shadows, looking over her. The time lady sniffed her nose inside her handkerchief and flipped the page. The Doctor continued to read as she bit her bottom lip so hard that Clara thought she was going to start seeing blood trickle down the Doctor's chin. The latter continued to read, stroking the letters. Just before the time lady flipped the page, Clara stepped out of the darkness. "Doctor?" The time lady gasped and looked up at the former companion. "I'm I'm..." The time lady, frustrated was going to close the book, but Clara grabbed the right hand side of the book before the Doctor was able to close it. "I have nothing to hide, Doctor. I never thought _you_ would read them but.... It helps me keep my memories. I'm too scared that the same thing that happened to Me would happen to..." She breathed a small laugh, as did the Doctor.

Clara sat down near the Doctor, resting her head on her friend's shoulder. The companion looked at the date.

 

 

> **_Day 363_ **

She smiled lightly.  
_Oh yes...._ That _day...._

 

> _Today, I decided to take Me to see Akhaten... It was a heartache, but I had to do it. I have to move on._
> 
> _It was as beautiful as I remember it... As beautiful as the day the bowtie Doctor took me there as my first adventure. I could never forget the day where I was ready to give up something as sentimental as my mother's ring._
> 
> _And the Leaf._
> 
> _The Leaf is more sentimental than anything I can think of. Not only because it was because of it I was born, but everything I am is because of it. My echoes live because of it. The Leaf I still hold on to is the Doctor's. I gave up mine that day on Akhaten to save the planets, but the one I have is the one which helped me keep to my sanity in a day I didn't know who I was._
> 
> _I was everyone, and I was no one I could recognise._
> 
> _My mind was just one huge blur composed of pain and sorrow and so. Many. Deaths._
> 
> _But I never regret I splintered myself into a million pieces just for the Doctor._

The Doctor looked at Clara. Her eyes were closed, her breathing even. She was so peaceful in such a form. She was so hurt.... Probably so many nights crying because the Doctor did not know who she was.

_Clara? Clara who?_

And now the time lady knew who Clara was. She remembered everything...  
For her scent.  
To her laugh.  
To how she looked like.  
There was everything.....

Even what she had said in the Cloisters..... Oh what she had said..... It still rung in the Doctor's ears.

The latter smiled sadly before turning back to the book.

 

 

 

> **_Day 364_ **
> 
> _Me heard me crying again. I don't know for how long I have to take this torture._
> 
> _I just want to see him.... To hear him calling my name just once again before I die._
> 
> _I don't want to die in this misery..._  
>  _I don't want to die...._  
>  _Not yet._

 

 

 

> **_Day 365_ **
> 
> _Me decided she would make another concession today.... So I dried my tears and immediately went to research about the Doctor's whereabouts a year after we parted, excluding any time travel...._
> 
> _21st November 2016._
> 
> _Happy Deathiversary, Clara..._
> 
> _We found that him and his new companion had travelled to Victorian London on that day.... Yes... Victorian London.... Another place I used to dread in my dreams....._
> 
> _He took his companion... Bill, if I'm not mistaken, to the Frost Fair.... She looked quite hesitant to make some decisions... It showed that she was new to time-travelling._
> 
>  
> 
> _I remember the day he had taken me to the Frost Fair. It had been a few years before Trap Street, when I had just started showing my interest towards Danny... (I feel my eyes sting everytime I think about him... About how much I lied to him to stay with the Doctor... About the things I've said when he was a cyberman), when I was still getting used to him, when I was still oblivious to the fact that I could fall in love with a Scottish madman like him._
> 
> _The Doctor was so elegant the day he took me to the Fair. Now that I look back, I remember how_  beautiful _he was. But the suit he wore today wasn't the same he wore with me. Maybe the TARDIS had discarded everything that had to do with me, or at least, hidden out of sight. . That's ok. She knows what's best for him. I would have done the same thing too had I been the time machine. We had such a wonderful time together. At least it was one of the most peaceful adventures._
> 
> _The Doctor wore wearing a top hat and such an elegant suit. He looked so handsome and somewhat funny in it... But he looked so masculine (not that he never looks masculine in any other outfit....)_
> 
>  
> 
> _The Doctor... I watched him talking to Bill... With his fluffy white-hair and cute wrinkles._
> 
> _And that smile. It makes_ me _smile too every time I think about it... I remember the day when he refused to smile at all. I was still scared back then.... A new regeneration and stuff. But then he started to become more soft-hearted, smile more... Laugh more. I became more aware that he looked at me more often with time (he became less cautious of when I wasn't looking at him. He would sometimes just stare at me. I'd laugh and he's get all red in the face. I loved -love- him for that. And not only for that. I could go on for days (well.... Now I have all the days in the Universe)._
> 
> _Many people say that the longer you live, the happier the person. I'd always thought of the contrary... The longer the life, the sadder the days... And the greater the burden. The Doctor always tried to hide that burden. Before it was worse... Before, there was the burden of killing his own kind, now there's the burden of not being able to find them. I hope I'd see the day where I look into his eyes where I see that burden no longer, and he'd be a little more of a lightened spirit._
> 
> _I continue on observing him for the whole day, even when trouble struck. I had eavesdropped on the conversation between Bill and the Doctor in the tent after they had been set free. He asked her what she wanted to do with the creature. (At least he hadn't left her alone at the fair... Like he did to me. But that is something of the past. I'd long forgiven him for it. Because he had never abandoned me again. Not even on Trap Street.)_
> 
> _Bill had made the right decision. To be kind._
> 
> _I was unable to help openly.... I didn't want to risk him seeing me, and it's not just because me told me not to. But I did leave some hints here and there, some breadcrumbs for the Doctor to follow._
> 
> _I miss him so much. I missed him taking my hand into his and running away from danger. Had we come here together,_ that's _how we have solved it. How I wish to pass my fingers through his trough of hair, and smell his time-travelling scent. I must say.... I too smell time-travel in my TARDIS. But his was so so..... Beautiful. So much more beautiful. It radiated such a small sweet hint of cinnamon, and a pinch of cologne. The smell I used to be engulfed in when we used to snuggle on our Library couch, or on my bed... Especially when I used to be sick. His warmth used to engulf me, his arms wrapped around me in such a tender way. I would have never thought in the first few months I travelled with the Scottish incarnation that he could be so soft... so gentle.... That his low purr could make my heart flutter._
> 
> _I never thought I would have fallen in love with him._
> 
> _And it feels_ nothing _like the love I had for Chin-boy._
> 
> _As I see him, striding along the ice, a thought just comes into my mind and it doesn't want to leave me alone. My eyes stung as I remembered so many fond memories we've had together. I want him so bad. Me, of course,  doesn't want me to talk to him or even go near to him. It's already risky that I'm following him, she says. But she understands my feelings for him too..._
> 
> _He laughed... His other companion, Bill... She seems quite happy. I envy her just a slight bit... I must admit. What I wouldn't give to be instead of her for just another adventure with him... With my- the madman with a box (he's not my daft old man anymore.... He doesn't even remember who I am...). But after all, my time with the Doctor has come to a close a long time ago. Even my life.... For that matter. But at the same time... It's good. Bill has her wonderful chance (and she looks  happy about it) and the Doctor.... The Doctor seems like he's forgotten me for good. And the less he sees of me watching him, the better. Because.... I don't want us to be the Hybrid again. Not that I don't love him... Quite the contrary. Actually, the total contrary. I love him to the point of sacrifice. But it's too risky. But after all, as long as I'm alive, I will always miss him._
> 
> _Maybe it's time to start considering  going back to Gallifrey for good....._
> 
> _I guess it would be better for both of us....._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Don't worry... The chapter's name was just a metaphor for the books Clara used to confess her love for the Doctor xD)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it! Feedback is appreciated as always :D Will update asap!


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